George Carlin'isms

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
• I'm in shape. Round is a shape?
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
• I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
• One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
• Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
• A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
• Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.