Had any chili lately?
CHILI TASTER:
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at
a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it.
Also, the original person called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE #1: | A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. |
JUDGE #2: | Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. |
FRANK: | Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy. |
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE #1: | Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang. |
JUDGE #2: | Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously. |
FRANK: | Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look
on my face. |
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE #1: | Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans. |
JUDGE #2: | A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers. |
FRANK: | Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. |
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE #1: | Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing. |
JUDGE #2: | Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. |
FRANK: | I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. |
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE #1: | Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. |
JUDGE #2: | Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. |
FRANK: | My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! |
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE #1: | Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers. |
JUDGE #2: | The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb. |
FRANK: | My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that slut, Sally. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone! |
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE #1: | A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers. |
JUDGE #2: | Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably. |
FRANK: | You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth,
pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking
mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the fucking 4inch hole in my stomach. |
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE #1: | A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence. |
JUDGE #2: | This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled
the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. |
FRANK: | ----------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report) |